Here it is 2012. Unbelievable. I have a 14 year old son about to graduate from 8th grade. He’s even finishing up the last month and a half of his braces. He loves basketball and would spend all day every day practicing and playing if school didn’t get in the way. I totally remember being in the same position. I have twins who will be 10 this month. Yes, they will be double digits. Again, unbelievable. They are twins, but so very different. Cora has her social personality and is constantly trying to set up plans for visiting friends and working on her style and her outfits. Trevor just wants to be playing some sport or hanging out at home. He’s so amazingly different from myself that I have to remind myself often to LISTEN to what he is saying and take it at face value. I have a tendency to put my own opinions on what he’s sharing and it really twists things from what he means. He’s the least like me of my kids and it takes just a bit more effort to make sure I’m really parenting him instead of ‘blanket parenting’ everyone the same.I’ve been married nearly 16 years to a man who loves me no matter what. What a blessed life I lead. I try to remember to ‘count my blessings’ daily. It helps keep my focus on the good rather than the bad. It helps me not to get overwhelmed, curl up in a ball in my bed, and sleep until the craziness goes away.
The past six months have been stressful and stretching. God is certainly teaching me to trust Him more than I do. It’s simply perfect how He puts us in positions where our only real option is to hit the floor on our knees and say ‘help me’ (if we can say anything at all). I am so thankful that He knows my heart and knows what I mean to say instead of simply hearing the lame things I actually say.
I deal with stress different than most people I know. My first instinct is to hide in my bed until things ‘blow over’, but I’ve never allowed myself that reaction. Instead, I go into what my husband calls “function/solution mode”. I immediately start searching for a plan of attack. How will I fix whatever is causing me stress? What are my options? My focus on that keeps me from breaking down over the reality of whatever the situation is. It’s a defense mechanism I suppose.
Cora was diagnosed with Epilepsy in January. We’ve had multiple blood tests, EEGs, MRIs, and visits to the neurologist. I’ve been so thankful that the neurologist and I have agreed on a course of action. He is very no-nonsense and that works for me. I don’t want someone to be emotionally involved in my situation. I can’t afford to break down while I’m still searching for a solution. And, his confidence helps me feel confident. I realize he knows what he’s doing and doesn’t need my opinion and doesn’t need me searching the internet for alternatives. He has done this tons of times before and can guide Cora and me through as we experience it for the first time. Thank the Lord for such a person being our first attempt at finding a specialist. I had many people tell me they couldn’t believe how calm I was during the whole ‘wondering’ time. The part of this journey where we didn’t know what was causing the sudden seizures and we were not sure what the solution was. That is apparently the impression I gave people. On the inside I was shaking, terrified, and simply begging God to allow Cora to be fine, to let her live the life He had for her with all the things I wanted. The interesting thing that came up in my heart while I was dealing with all of the craziness of life was that God loves Cora more than I do. He cares more for her than I do. All of the plans and dreams I have for her are just that – mine. God has the perfect life for her chosen and planned already. The other thing that became very clear to me is that I have a ‘public’ person. I suppose most people already know this about themselves, but I’m still learning it. I can function in public, work to say the ‘right’ thing at the right time, and try to remain outwardly calm. But, when I get home and it’s just me and TJ – I can break down in tears or tell him how angry I am. That part of me seems too personal to share with the whole world all the time.
My mother was diagnosed with irritated breast cancer last month. The cancer she has is fast growing and they were so thankful they found it early. She has started chemotherapy and will also have a mastectomy as well as radiation. It’s an odd thing to realize you’re an adult. Sometimes I get into the position of feeling like I’m play acting the part of the adult. It’s weird. How did I get old enough to be the adult in a situation and really, who trusts me to make all sorts of adult decisions!?! I need some sort of handbook! Parents who are sick is for people who are grown ups. Not for people like me… But, again – God doesn’t really seem to be following my plan at all. He has His perfect plan and even when I try to dig my heels in, it doesn’t stop anything. My mom has been amazing through the whole experience. When I talk to her she tells me that she is ready for whatever God has for her and she has been in such good spirits. I think she took a minor blow when her hair started falling out. But, her vanity has never been her weak spot and she was back to good spirits nearly immediately. I keep asking God to help me be more like her. She is a calm, quiet, patient person. I am her opposite in nearly every way. But, I have a desire to be more like her in the ways she trusts God and even a little bit in her personality. Mostly, I just want to FEEL like I am adult enough to deal with real life situations. I want to deal with things perfectly and not feel like I’m running to play catch up all the while working, parenting, driving kids to sporting events, and dealing with whatever else comes my way.
I realize I”m rambling. I guess this entry will simply be to catch people up on the life and times of me and mine.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare[a] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”